i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
