I can text with my tongue
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
