My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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