I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
