I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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