I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
BRING THE BAGELS
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
