dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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