i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize