Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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