so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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