I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
