And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We were destined to go to rehab together
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
