dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
