I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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