Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
