Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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