Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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