Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
