I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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