I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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