I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
