I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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