My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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