And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
