he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
