you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
did i just pee glitter
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
