you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
