I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I have post one night stand depression
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