Whod you bang
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
