I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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