it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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