mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
