Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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