P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
