Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
