She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
