he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
