He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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