She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize