she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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