True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So here I am, sexting at work.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
