"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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