It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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