Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
