haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
