even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize