I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
