Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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