i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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