we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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