shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
