If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
