Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
