i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
