i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
