I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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