how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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