I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
