his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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