That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
