Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
