Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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