You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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