she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
