sarcasm needs its own font
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize