got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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