I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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