pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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