He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
