just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
