I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
